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I love Christmas, and I love Christmas music. But not all holiday tunes are created equal. Some songs — Nat King Cole’s “O Holy Night,” “Christmas in Hollis” by Run-D.M.C. — I can listen to over and over. But others make me want to jam railroad ties into my ears, they’re so awful.
Following is the list of 11 Christmas songs that should never have been made. In some cases, they’re sung by artists that I otherwise respect, which makes these terrible tunes all the more troubling. If there’s a Santa Claus, he will banish these awful, insipid, stupid affronts on Christmas to the Island of Misfit Songs.
11. “Happy Xmas (War is Over),” John Lennon and Yoko Ono - I’m a die-hard Beatles fan, so it pains me to start this list with a John Lennon song. And it’s actually pretty great – until the 40-second mark, when Yoko comes in and starts her caterwauling. Honestly, John. I know you loved her and all, but why’d you gotta let her sing?
10. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” Neil Diamond – His first Christmas album was a mega-seller, so for his second one, Neil got a little creative with his arrangements, including a reggae version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” He begins this song by calling out to the boys and girls in a Jamaican accent. I’m embarrassed for him.
9. “Santa Baby,” Madonna – I’ll bet the modern-day Madonna listens to this 1987 version of herself and cringes. I know I do. Perhaps she thought her nasal-voiced, cutsey-pie delivery was sexy, but really, she sounds like a half-in-the-bag bimbo. For sexy, see Kitt, Eartha, or Minogue, Kylie.
8. “Last Christmas,” Wham – This song is like cilantro: You either love it, or you think it tastes like soap. I’m in the latter camp. Vapid lyrics and cheesy music make "Last Christmas" completely unlistenable. Worse yet, those damned “Glee” kids went and covered it, so all the teenyboppers are into it now. Gaaaah.
7. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Band Aid – When I was a youngster, I thought this song was awesome, because it had Sting and Bono and Duran Duran (swoon). And it was made to help those affected by the Ethiopian famine of the mid-1980s. But the lyrics appear to be written by a third-grader (“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time), or a pompous first-world jackass (“Well tonight, thank God it's them instead of yooooouuuu!”)
6. “Silver and Gold,” Burl Ives – This song has the power to bring down a room. I know because I’ve seen it happen, during my son’s inaugural viewing of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Here they’ve just introduced Yukon Cornelius, and then, bam! Preschoolers all take a powder while the snowman guy sings “Silver and Gold.” Buzz kill!
5. “Zat You, Santa Claus?” Buster Poindexter – Look, I don’t like the Louis Armstrong version of this song, either. But the Buster Poindexter rendition is nails-on-a-chalkboard bad. It’s change-the-station bad. It’s pull-the-car-over-and-smoke-a-cigarette bad. Bad, bad, bad.
4. “Christmas Don't Be Late,” Alvin and the Chipmunks – When you’re 5 years old, this song is hilarious. When you’re an adult, this song is torture. Let’s say you were a spy, and you were captured. How many times do you think you could endure this record before you broke down? Think about it. And then, answer me this: Why is a grown man living with three chipmunks?
3. “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone –The lyrics of this song make me mildly uncomfortable to begin with. This woman is trying to leave, for God’s sake, but her “date” won’t let her. I don’t mind so much when it’s Dean Martin. But Zooey Deschanel sounds so drowsy when she sings, “Say, what’s in this drink?” that I really want to call 911.
2. “Wonderful Christmastime,” Paul McCartney – For an artist with his pedigree, this song is unforgivable. It’s an overproduced, strangled-by-synthesizer mess that deserves the distinction as one of the worst Christmas songs ever. Insult to injury: Sir McCartney, already richer than God, makes almost half a million bucks a year off this song, it gets played so much.
1. “O Holy Night,” Christina Aguilera – Let me first say that this is my very favorite Christmas hymn, and it offends me when celebrities mangle it. Aguilera’s taste level, always in question, is particularly egregious here. I don’t deny that she’s got serious pipes, but this song deserves reverence, not show-offy vocal gymnastics. Christina: Must you recite the Lord’s Prayer midway through? And why, WHY extend this train wreck with a Broadway-meets-gospel-choir ending? The worst. Period.
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Feliz Navidad. If I hear that thing one more time I may break my radio. Seems everytime I turn on the radio or walk into a store it comes on. SO SICK OF IT!!!!!!
Stevie Nicks' "Silent Night"
I have to go with Feliz Navidad; never heard Christmas Shoes
I was just compiling this list in my head for myself this morning. I've got four (in reverse order):
4) Grandma Got Runover by a Reindeer (it was cute in the 80's, but the 80's were a cheesey time).
3) We need a little Christmas (it's the type of way too cheery, over the top, too much happy energy song that the "case of the Monday's" woman from Office Space would listen to on repeat)
2) "Christmas Eve in Washington" by Maura Sullivan (it's a song about the "magic" of Christmas in Washington, DC, America's home town! If you haven't heard it, look it up and curse that you will never get that 3+ minutes back
1) Christmas Shoes (If you look up schmaltz in the dictionary, you find a link to this song)
On a whole nother point- The Best Song I'd Never heard Before Yesterday (Christmas) was called "It's Cliched To Be Cynical At Christmas"
Now how did I guess
You were going to express
Your disdain at the crane
With the bright fairy lights
And you moan at the snow
‘Cos your car wouldn’t go
Oh it’s cliched
To be cynical
At Christmas
You don’t have a tree
And your smile has a fee
All the same, here’s a card
For your boring facade
Jingle Bells, piney smells
All the boys and the girls
Say it’s cliched
To be cynical
At Christmas
Oh it’s cliched
To be cynical
At Christmas
See how we yawn
At your bile and your scorn
It’s a beautiful day
Peace on Earth has been played
Make a noise with your toys
And ignore the killjoys
‘Cos it’s cliched
To be cynical
At Christmas
Oh it’s cliched
To be cynical
At Christmas
I saw three ships
Come sailing in
Come sailing in
Come sailing in
I saw three ships
Come sailing in
On Christmas Day
In the morning
& by the UK group Half Man , Half Biscuit
Also like to add that 24 years in a row you can hear the best Christmas show on WPRB dot Com - it's a marathon 24 xmas show - with nonoe of the usual suspects- which makes the "old" standards obsolete.
Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer
Happy Xmas (War is Over)? What a sad state of morals our society has reached when a song that preaches we can end war if we want to makes the top 10 worst Christmas songs...
"War is over if you want it. War is over now"
Oh, come on! I like "Wonderful Christmas time"! It depends on whether you actually even LIKE the synthesizer part of the song. That is just nit-picking. Besides, I like Techno and Trance music, and that's chock FULL of synthesizers that are harmonious! This song is actually refreshing for me because it sounds different than all the other songs I hear. It's also an original song; most Christmas songs that are overplayed are the same songs sung by different people, and THAT is what annoys me.
If you want the worst song, choose "Christmas Shoes". It's sappy, manipulative, makes you feel like a horrible person, and it gives kids the idea that if they act sad enough and say that the thing they want is for someone else they can guilt-trip anyone into buying the item FOR them.
1. ANY "Santa Baby" version, but ESPECIALLY the dude singing it.
2. Christmas Shoes.
3. The Hippopotamus Song.
4. ANY "Alvin & The Chipmunks" version of ANYTHING.
Okay, My Absolute Favorite Christmas Song is “This Christmas” by Donny Hathaway (and his is the only version that I adore – this song makes me “feel” like it’s Christmas Time. But when Macy Gray BUTCHERED my song I thought my ears were going to bleed.
I don't think anyone of those songs are the worst. But I don't really like the Band Aid song. I think Christmas Shoes and Domminic the Donkey are the worst
How could you leave out "The Christmas Shoes?!?" That has to be the WORST MOST DEPRESSING SONG ever to be written!! I mean who wants to hear a song about someone dying during the joyous time of the year??? Also Hillary Duff's version of "Wonderful Christmastime" is horrid including that "cheesy" celeste solo in the beginning with that little girl singing horribly off key?? Also those putrid Techno-Hip Hop remix of the legendary Christmas songs by Bing Crosby,Mel Torme and others? And William Hung's "Hung for the holidays"?? To quote Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons "WORST...HOLIDAY...ALBUM...EVER!!!
Good call with Santa Baby- I hate hate hate Madonna's version of that song. However, The Christmas Shoes trumps all the rest in its relentless awfulness.
I was just relieved to not see Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses on the list. Some people just don't like that awesome song.