E-mail updates
Follow on Twitter
Subscribe to RSSVideo of Band Aid performing "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
I love Christmas, and I love Christmas music. But not all holiday tunes are created equal. Some songs — Nat King Cole’s “O Holy Night,” “Christmas in Hollis” by Run-D.M.C. — I can listen to over and over. But others make me want to jam railroad ties into my ears, they’re so awful.
Following is the list of 11 Christmas songs that should never have been made. In some cases, they’re sung by artists that I otherwise respect, which makes these terrible tunes all the more troubling. If there’s a Santa Claus, he will banish these awful, insipid, stupid affronts on Christmas to the Island of Misfit Songs.
11. “Happy Xmas (War is Over),” John Lennon and Yoko Ono - I’m a die-hard Beatles fan, so it pains me to start this list with a John Lennon song. And it’s actually pretty great – until the 40-second mark, when Yoko comes in and starts her caterwauling. Honestly, John. I know you loved her and all, but why’d you gotta let her sing?
10. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” Neil Diamond – His first Christmas album was a mega-seller, so for his second one, Neil got a little creative with his arrangements, including a reggae version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” He begins this song by calling out to the boys and girls in a Jamaican accent. I’m embarrassed for him.
9. “Santa Baby,” Madonna – I’ll bet the modern-day Madonna listens to this 1987 version of herself and cringes. I know I do. Perhaps she thought her nasal-voiced, cutsey-pie delivery was sexy, but really, she sounds like a half-in-the-bag bimbo. For sexy, see Kitt, Eartha, or Minogue, Kylie.
8. “Last Christmas,” Wham – This song is like cilantro: You either love it, or you think it tastes like soap. I’m in the latter camp. Vapid lyrics and cheesy music make "Last Christmas" completely unlistenable. Worse yet, those damned “Glee” kids went and covered it, so all the teenyboppers are into it now. Gaaaah.
7. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Band Aid – When I was a youngster, I thought this song was awesome, because it had Sting and Bono and Duran Duran (swoon). And it was made to help those affected by the Ethiopian famine of the mid-1980s. But the lyrics appear to be written by a third-grader (“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time), or a pompous first-world jackass (“Well tonight, thank God it's them instead of yooooouuuu!”)
6. “Silver and Gold,” Burl Ives – This song has the power to bring down a room. I know because I’ve seen it happen, during my son’s inaugural viewing of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Here they’ve just introduced Yukon Cornelius, and then, bam! Preschoolers all take a powder while the snowman guy sings “Silver and Gold.” Buzz kill!
5. “Zat You, Santa Claus?” Buster Poindexter – Look, I don’t like the Louis Armstrong version of this song, either. But the Buster Poindexter rendition is nails-on-a-chalkboard bad. It’s change-the-station bad. It’s pull-the-car-over-and-smoke-a-cigarette bad. Bad, bad, bad.
4. “Christmas Don't Be Late,” Alvin and the Chipmunks – When you’re 5 years old, this song is hilarious. When you’re an adult, this song is torture. Let’s say you were a spy, and you were captured. How many times do you think you could endure this record before you broke down? Think about it. And then, answer me this: Why is a grown man living with three chipmunks?
3. “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone –The lyrics of this song make me mildly uncomfortable to begin with. This woman is trying to leave, for God’s sake, but her “date” won’t let her. I don’t mind so much when it’s Dean Martin. But Zooey Deschanel sounds so drowsy when she sings, “Say, what’s in this drink?” that I really want to call 911.
2. “Wonderful Christmastime,” Paul McCartney – For an artist with his pedigree, this song is unforgivable. It’s an overproduced, strangled-by-synthesizer mess that deserves the distinction as one of the worst Christmas songs ever. Insult to injury: Sir McCartney, already richer than God, makes almost half a million bucks a year off this song, it gets played so much.
1. “O Holy Night,” Christina Aguilera – Let me first say that this is my very favorite Christmas hymn, and it offends me when celebrities mangle it. Aguilera’s taste level, always in question, is particularly egregious here. I don’t deny that she’s got serious pipes, but this song deserves reverence, not show-offy vocal gymnastics. Christina: Must you recite the Lord’s Prayer midway through? And why, WHY extend this train wreck with a Broadway-meets-gospel-choir ending? The worst. Period.
Leave a Comment:
"Christmas Shoes" is the number one worst in my book. Seriously? Mother's dying on Christmas??? And she needs high heels to meet Jesus? Who thinks up this #^%$^??
In the "I'd rather poke my eyeball out" category are "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer", "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas", "Santa Baby" and anything sung by the Carpenters.
My favorites are Josh Groban's version of "O Holy Night", Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" and Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing "The Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth".
I agree on the Carpenters.
And I agree on Bing & David. My top fave Christmas pick.
i LOVE Bing Crosby.. White Christmas is my favorite movie!
Painful that you included Happy Xmas but at least it didn't make the Top 10. Least favorite for me would be the Bing Crosby/David Bowie Little Drummer Boy duet. Whoa, boring. Give me something a little more upbeat and festive -- Mariah Carey, "All I want for Christmas is You" or Elton John, "Step into Christmas".
Willie Nelson's "Fa La La La La" is so awful its just funny
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart/ And the very next day you tore it apart..." (Particularly the Taylor Swift version) is just horribly depressing and why they choose to play it over and over again in department stores is beyond me.
ANYTHING Beiber
Christmas Shoes
Here's a hint to everyone out there who thinks it's a good idea to make another (ANOTHER) Christmas record:
JUST SING THE DAMN SONG!!
Leave out all that vibrato & trilling that shows what a great wowsy voice you have. Don't go all around the notes, ala Maria Carey, that shows what a great wowsy voice you have. The tune that originally came with the song was OK back then; stick with it. George M Cohen you ain't.
And btw, give all the proceeds to some charity that needs it. God knows you don't.
Thanks. Peace on Earth.
Without a doubt, the WORST Christmas song EVER is that stupid Hippopatamus song...for me it is like hearing nails on a chalkboard.
Wonderful Christmas Time is not just a lousy Christmas song. It is one of the worst songs of all time. I agree with anyone who mentioned Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer and The Christmas Shoes, which has to be the most nauseating thing ever recorded. And let's not forget Justin Bieber's contributions - Mistletoe, in which he threatens the listener in maddening teenage broken English "I'm-a be under the mistletoe with you, Shawty" and All I Want for Christmas is You, which he has destroyed. It wouldn't have been so bad if he had just recorded his own version that we can turn off as soon as we hear it coming. No, this brat has launched a sneak attack and inserted his thin, autotuned voice into the original Mariah Carey version, turning the best holiday song of the last 20 years into more forgettable pop garbage.
Donde esta Santa Claus
As much as I loathe "Wonderful Christmastime" and Elton John's "Step Into Christmas," if I never, ever hear Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" again, it will be too soon. That song has been overplayed more often than I care to count - though, to the one Christmas music station in Chicago's credit, I think I've only heard it once so far this year.
If you really want to torture someone, though, pop on Bob Dylan's Christmas album... that one makes dogs howl in pain.
Honestly — ANY SONG BY MARIAH needs to be banned!!! They have all been played to death and proof she really has no talent was watching her sing at the Michael Jackson funeral!!!.
Feliz Navidad sucks! And I especially hate "I wanna hippopotomus for Christmas"
We also have a local - Christmas in Iowa by some local sisters- SUCKS!!! - Not from here just stuck here so don't really want to spend Christmas here but can't leave cause of finances
And how many people have done their rendition of "the little drummer boy? -
Radio stations only seem to own like 10 Christmas songs & play them over & over
No wonder I'm starting to dred this holiday
Christmas Shoes is a great song, and I'm shocked people are listing at the bottom. It has been suggested it may be based on a true story, although there is no verification of that. Regardless, if someone doesn't get why this is a great song, I think they have missed the nuances it employs. It isn't about a mother needing shoes to see Jesus, as one commenter suggested. It is about the love a son has for his mother (even if his idea of buying shoes for her to meet Jesus in is a bit misguided), who, when he is about to lose the person who most loves him and he most loves is willing to sacrifice for her. But moreso than that, it is a revelation to the narrator of the story that when we get lost in the busyness of Christmas, that there are far more important things going on we are otherwise oblivious to. I suggest people listen to it again and pay closer attention to it!
As far as worst song? I'd have to say Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer. Seriously. Unlike some of the songs on this list, this song was NEVER good. Ever. Regardless of who performed it.
@Ryan .. it's GLURGE .. overly sappy and melodramatic. Any song based on a chain email (real story, my a$$) isn't worth 2 minutes of airtime.
Yeah, I GET what it's about...it's just DEPRESSING!!!! There's enough over commercialization and lack of "good will" during Christmas time to push me into depression....I don't need that song!!!
Oh come on! I LOVE the Hippopotamaus song. No one ever said it will be a classic; it's just so cute in my opinion. For favorite songs.........got to be Josh Groban or even Celine Dion's "O Holy Night." Also cannot stand Feliz Navidad.
Let's face it, this is just the Season of Bad Music.
By far the worst Christmas song is Shania Twain's "God Bless the Child". I mean look at the lyrics...not very festive now is it?:
Maybe that was the point. To remind us that while we're all suppose to be festive and joyous there are children in this country suffering. I suppose you'd rather all the poor people vanish and not harsh your buzz.
Don't forget Ray Charles' very forgettable version of "Little Drummer Boy." Boy, was that a bad match! And does anyone recall "Holly Holy" by Neil Diamond? Big waste!
"I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas". AAAARRRGGHHHHH!!!
To make matters worse, it's a VERY sticky earworm.
Everyone loves O Holy Night.
Check out John Denver's LIVE version.
It is the BEST version you will ever here. NO JOKE.
Christmas Shoes. worst.ever.
I love love love John Lennons' song, Paul Mccartney song and Whams song!!!! Yep I even made a cd with those songs included! I play them to death around Xmas time! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I for one disagree with the so called worst song list.
Melissa, I do the same as you do :-)
I do not know if this qualifies as a Christmas song-but since it does mention cold weather, gingerbread and candy-I think it does. Dolly Parton's " Me and Little Andy" is the creepiest song ever! Well, it is a beautiful song because it is Dolly's, but..... you have to hear it to know what I mean!!
I love Bruce Springsteen but his cover of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" is god-awful, appalling, obnoxious, inexcusable, atrocious, ...
I hate Bruce Springsteen and his cover of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" is god-awful, appalling, obnoxious, inexcusable, atrocious, ...