Stephen Colbert frets over news of a global bacon shortage on "Colbert Report."
Stephen Colbert was in rare form on Wednesday, offending a laundry list of religions with his political theories behind the pending bacon shortage and the movement to get people praying for a Romney win.
Not surprisingly, the bacon story came first. The expected dearth in the supply of America’s favorite breakfast meat has been all over the news, and Colbert isn’t buying the explanation that a drought is the cause.
“Just think about it -- who’s not supposed to eat bacon? Well, Jews first, but most of the Jews I know eat it anyway. No, I’m talking about the really observant Jews -- Muslims. They won’t even touch bacon. Which means this bacon shortage is nothing less than creeping Sharia law.”
And like the commentators whose opinions he channels, Colbert knows who’s at fault.
“You know who I blame? Barack Obama. I have been warning you for years about his kowtowing to Islamic extremists, and now the chicken schwarma is coming home to roost,” he said. The next thing you know, Cat Deeley is hosting ‘So You Think You Can Dervish.”
Which would be far from the most bizarre reality show on TV today.
Praying to save America
But anyone worried that Colbert would spend the whole show on Islam didn’t need to worry. He soon turned the topic over to Christianity. More specifically, the “40 Days to Save America” website that asks pastors and congregations to commit to asking God for help electing their desired candidates, arguing that “prayer + fasting + action equals change”
“That’s amazing. Usually prayer plus fasting plus action equals passing out,” Colbert said.
The pastor behind the movement, Rick Scarborough, helped launch Rick Perry’s presidential campaign with a prayer rally. We all know how that turned out. But as Colbert noted: “Pastor Scarborough did credit the rally with ending the drought in Texas. So clearly his prayers work on natural disasters, which is a perfect match for the Romney campaign.”
As for its effects?
“This prayer will help Mitt Romney win over undecided voters, especially the biggest undecided voter of them all -- God. I mean, he may be all-knowing, but he would still like to know a little bit more about Mitt’s tax returns," according to Colbert. "In fact, God is three undecided voters – the father, son and holy spirit. And you have to figure the son is leaning Obama, what with the long hair and the loaves and fishes handouts to the poor. Get a job, hippie!”
But if Jesus is a long shot under that scenario, Colbert thinks this approach has a better shot with God, who as traditionally depicted fits the Romney demographic.
“He’s old, male, vengeful, and he lives in a gated community.”
Big budget boom
But there's someone who doesn't connect with either Romney or Obama, at least when it comes to the bottom line. On Wednesday night's "Late Show," David Letterman spoke with British Prime Minister David Cameron, who scoffed at the billion-plus budgets of American political campaigns.
"It's a really big difference between us," Cameron said of the campaign process. "We don't allow political parties to advertise on television, so that massively cuts the cost."
With applause from the "Late Show" audience, Cameron added, "I've never uttered the words, 'I'm David Cameron, and I approve this message.'"
What's in a name?
In honor of the gathering of the United Nations General Assembly in New York this week, Letterman then turned his focus to a Top Ten roundup on Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -- specifically, "words that almost rhyme with Mahmoud."
"I'm sure in Iran, it's probably a very common name," the host began, "But to us, it has an odd sound to our ear."
So with the help of a rhyming dictionary and a "special thesaurus," he offered such entries as "muumuu," "Brit Hume," "mom nude," and his No. 1 pick, "Mets booed."