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Joe Biden jokes, 'If you vote early, you don't have to pay taxes'

CBS

Vice President Joe Biden.

Vice President Joe Biden stopped by "Late Show With David Letterman" Thursday night and extended his well wishes to the New York-based host and his East Coast viewers in the wake of Superstorm Sandy. Biden soon moved on to another serious subject, but he did so without the serious tone.

With the official Election Day just days away, Biden urged American's to consider voting early -- by delivering Letterman's "Top 10 Good Things About Early Voting" list.

Highlights of the veep's rundown included these gems:

10. "I'm not saying each early voter gets a free cheeseburger, but I'm not saying they don't, either."

6. "If you vote early, you don't have to pay taxes. ... I'm sorry. I'm being told that's not accurate."

5. "Single and looking to mingle? Find that special someone on the early voting line."

2. "Early voters will receive a $5 million donation from Donald Trump."

And topping the list? At No. 1, "Honestly Don't you want this election over with already?"

He's got a point.

Or voters can just follow Letterman's advice: "Vote whenever you want," he said. "It makes no damn difference."

Swing on over

Over on "The Daily Show," Jon Stewart may be living in a region devastated by a major storm, but he hasn’t lost his sense of perspective.

“I’m still so thankful to be in soggy, powerless New York, because in some places in this country it’s even worse,” he said on Thursday’s “Daily Show.” “Hurricane Sandy has devastated our region, but at least we don’t live in Swing State Hell!”

That would be Ohio, which both candidates seem to have selected as their line in the sand and have saturated with even more political advertising than the rest of us living in competitive states get.

“While the rest of us are free to pursue work, family and recreation, voters in Ohio have to reconcile themselves to being this year’s ‘my precious,’ Stewart said.

Among the ads is one from the Romney folks that claim Obama has actually been a bad steward of the auto industry, including -- gasp -- selling Chrysler to Italians!


“Sold Chrysler to Italians? What, we’re afraid of Italians now?’” Stewart said. He then quoted a mock attack ad line: “‘If Obama wins, next the Pope will be telling you what to drive.’”

Even the car companies have pushed back, which takes the commercial to a whole new level. “How out there is Mitt Romney? A car company -- that tries to convince you you need undercoating -- is coming after him for dishonesty,” Stewart said.

Stewart’s guest was Bob Woodruff, promoting his “Stand Up for Heroes” fundraiser, scheduled for Nov. 8. It’s an organization that helps soldiers adjust to civilian life once they get back home.

“It always strikes me, this idea that you need charities to help bring soldiers home from war,” Stewart said. “There is never any ‘Let’s raise money to bomb Iran!’ Somehow we’ve always got money for that.”

Woorduff noted that Stewart has helped out often in the past, and volunteered him to be an even bigger help this year.

“He is a big supporter, so he is going to buy you a generator to watch this if you don’t have power,” Woodruff said.

That’ll lead to record ratings on the East Coast, for sure.

The horror!

On the "Colbert Report," Stephen Colbert reported that the storm hit home for him. Because of the restrictions on driving into the city, Colbert said he had to commute to the city by … brace yourselves … the bus!

“A public bus … with the public in it! I felt like Viggo Mortensen in ‘The Road,’ he said.

Why was there still water in the subways, he wondered. “Throw a few ShamWows down there! We have the technology”

And good news for Mormons, as Colbert noted that evangelist Billy Graham deleted his website’s references to Mormonism being a cult after meeting with Romney. “With God, all things are deletable,” Colbert quipped

“The biggest reason Mormons are no longer a 'cult' is that now a Mormon might beat Obama," he added. "And that is great news for other (so-called) cults. All you have to do to be reclassified as a legitimate religion by Billy Graham is be a viable Republican candidate for president.” But the news wasn’t as good for everyone, based on that standard.

“Sorry Ron Paul fans -- you’re still a cult,” he said.

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